I know that your way of coping with situations is to close your eyes and ignore facts. For that reason, I know you will probably not read this entire letter, and you will most certainly not understand this letter. My intent on writing it is in the hope that you will find a very good psychologist and give this letter to them; perhaps they can take my observations and be in a far better position to help you than I ever was to begin with.
Simply - I don't know what your intentions are in contacting me, whether it is your coping mechanism that makes you forget that we haven't talked in 4 months, or whether it is some seriously messed up game you are playing. Either way, you need to play the game without me.
I could stop there, and put this in the mail. Something tells me I should. However, when I explained to Officer Gordan that I was asking you to leave, I suggested that I could write a letter to any therapist or counselor he wanted in an effort to help them help you. He politely declined, so I let it go. Apparently, that was a mistaken decision. So, I will continue...
The fact that you got picked up, yet again, only confirms all of those statistics about parolees returning in what I always used to believe was surprisingly short times. I guess now I know that the statistics are not exaggerated. But what did surprise me is that you have the exact same word-for-word story about being picked up. The town and details have changed, but “I got pulled over by the cops, they were after this other guy that took off, (s)he left the drugs in my car, and I got stuck with them.” Perhaps you are familiar with the phrase, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Sorry, Chicken Little, I'm not going to believe the sky is falling. Your coping mechanism of trying to hide from the facts leads you to believe that it is OK to substitute your facts for reality, any time reality doesn't suit you. You still haven't realized that this method isn't working.
This conclusion can be supported by other instances, most notably, the second day you were here, you made the claim that Colorado Springs has much higher crime rates than Denver. When I tried to ask you if you had considered or even know the source of your information, you tried to convince me that it was “common knowledge.” So the next day, I had one of the Criminal Justice professors help me research the actual statistics. We printed out the results which showed Denver had far higher rates per capita than Colorado Springs on 12 of 14 categories. And despite having the source and information in your hand, you still denied the numbers because they were inconvenient to you. Instead, you tried to argue that it was only because Denver was so much bigger. But no, the term “per capita” means that 1000 people in Denver are treated the same as 1000 people in Colorado Springs. Even though both cities have far more than 1000 people, if you take any random 1000 people in Colorado Springs their statistics are different from any random 1000 people in Denver. But between severe shortage of education and even more severe coping mechanism interference, this was a concept that was completely beyond your comprehension.
Another thing I think is funny about the fact that you called is that you have obviously managed to block out the way things ended in April. April 20th, you call, accusing me of hacking your phone and computer. No matter how hard I try to explain to you that I didn't do anything, your reply of “we both know you did it so please stop” was hilarious. “We both know” are words that matter only when talking about something it seen by both as a shared experience. I tried to explain that I had not done it, and I tried to explain the possibility that the sites you were visiting were front points for some of the millions of hackers that are out there. (The reason I bought you the laptop was because once I saw the sites you visited, I knew I didn't want you taking any of my computers to those virus spawning grounds.) Once again, your ability to replace truth with what you believe to be true interferes with your understanding of how the real world works. You were so determined I had done it, you refused to listen to the rest of the answer. The best way to know how to protect yourself from hackers is to know how they do it... then you can stop them. But in your mind, a person who knows about hacking is a hacker. That is like saying a butcher is a murderer because he knows how to kill. But then, just minutes after we talked, you posted this on Facebook:
Aside from the non-existent grammar making this very difficult to understand, I still wasn't sure if it was more offensive that you still wanted to accuse me of hacking your phone or if it was your innuendo that you wouldn't give me something I wanted; nearly everyone reading that would assume you were saying I wanted sex and you said no. We do both know that was never the issue. And then you end with the comment about medication; given your background with drugs, clearly you know all there is to know about “medications,” right?
This is just another example of you replacing facts with what you think is happening. But it is also an example of how thoughtless and inconsiderate you tend to be on a regular basis, and totally unaware of it.
Another good example of this would come from just watching you at Walmart. It was simply sickening to see you picking through clothes on a rack, and typically putting them back, but on the wrong rack. You're not the only one that does that, but I always wonder if anyone ever realizes what happens next? You take something from a $12 rack, and put it on the $7 rack. Someone else buys it thinking they are only paying $7, but then it costs them $12. In their mind, they just got robbed for $5. Or maybe they try to fight the cashier and the manager lets it go for $7... the store now just got robbed for $5. In both cases, your thoughtlessness cost someone $5. Maybe $5 is not a lot of money, but you had a large stack of clothes that you put back randomly. Who knows how much money that ever cost people?
A week later we are at the grocery store, and you couldn't understand why I would walk all the way back across the store to put something back. Your attitude was, “why not just leave the cheese here in this other refrigerated box? It'll be fine.” No, it's not fine. It is rude, lazy, and discourteous. The only reason so many people think that is acceptable is because so many people are becoming so lazy they never stop to consider what a mess the store would be if everyone just started moving things around.
Now, knowing that... your whole argument that I'd have known more about you if I had come to visit you before you got out becomes a totally incorrect assumption. If I had come to visit you, I would have seen someone with very good “surface manners.” I would have seen someone who is very friendly up front, but I still would not have seen how incredibly thoughtless and inconsiderate you are of other people just because you don't feel like putting out enough energy to be thoughtful or considerate. I never would have seen that side of you, sitting in the visiting room. It was saddening and infuriating to have seen that side of anyone.
Of course, four months is not enough time for anyone to change, and you are proving it consistently, even now. You told me that you would not run up my phone bill... those “surface manners” showing up, but then comes the reality that you have called every single day. You've called four times per day every day this week until Thursday. And I don't have to answer to know you are going to ask/beg me to go fix your impounded car and glove-box and whatever else. I'm sure it never even occurred to you that trying to help you four months ago cost me so much I have just now finally gotten caught up. But even without that, after your accusations and rude Facebook posting, what delusional mentally deficient thought makes you believe I feel compelled in anyway to spend my time and energy and especially money into a black hole?
I never expected you to pay me back for the laptop; I could tell where you were going online, so I didn't want you using my computers - it was obvious that you were going to get viruses and become a hacking target. And as we saw, that was exactly what happened. I was very glad that I spent the money on a separate computer and you couldn't mess up any of my computers. Of course, you hadn't had the phone or laptop more than a matter of hours and you had viruses. In the end, that made all of your accusations of me hacking become that much more hilarious and insulting at the same time - you are the fastest person I've ever seen at getting viruses; I never would have had to do a thing anyway.
But when it came to the phone, you did promise to pay me back. Somehow, it didn't surprise me that you never made any attempt. And when you couldn't pay your next month's fees, I had to pay them for you again. Then whomever the person was that wanted me to sign an I-9 so that they could reimburse me told you they were not going to use it for taxes. That suited your needs, so you just accepted their lie. You weren't willing to research it, but If I had signed it, I would then have to pay taxes on income because the I-9 is am employment eligibility verification. I've worked with I-9s for many years, and I know what they mean. So, it was easier to just eat the cost of the fees than to deal with even more taxes. And having a phone was so important to you that when you would need to do without it briefly, you needed me to buy you yet another one. You can't possibly convince me that the parole office has no means of dealing with someone who is without a cell-phone. If that were the case, they would have to issue phones to all parolees, because not all of them can afford to buy one. But with your first one, it wasn't enough to just get a phone - you have to get nearly the top model. After all - it wasn't your money, so who cares, right?
All those trips to Denver, the number of times you said your friend would pay for gas never happened. Your plan to ride the bus back never happened. The “because it's cold” was one of the most lame and pathetic things ever. You commented that I seemed upset; but had no idea I would have been totally content to just leave you stranded up there. Didn't you realize that if I drove up there to pick you up, I would notice that it was not nearly as cold as you claimed? It barely passed as chilly, but you didn't want to ride the bus, and who cares, because it wasn't your gas money anyway.
“I'll just put these clothes back on whatever rack and if someone pays the wrong price, who cares because it's not my money.”
Are we noticing a trend, yet?
Let's try another example - you committed yourself to an appointment to get your hair done, knowing you didn't have the money and that I'd have to pay for it.
How about buying toilet paper - I gave you $20 for the 36-pack, and there should have been $4 coming back. Instead, you bought the $9 12-pack, which was far less efficient, and spent the other $11 for yourself.
You have no respect for other people, especially when it comes to money.
But it doesn't stop just with money. I would come home after teaching, and every single light in the house was on. You couldn't turn a light off to save your life, apparently. Even after buying those big plastic bins for recycling and marking on them what each one was for, you never even tried recycling, you just threw everything away. I tried to explain to you that throwing away so much that you needed big monolithic bags cause the garbage bill to double, you just looked at me like I had grown antlers. I was totally unable to convince you that everything you do was wasteful. I had two dish scrubbers that were gifts from someone, and because they had gotten dirty and needed washed, you just threw them away. I was glad I saw them and was able to rescue them, but who knows what else you threw away like that?
I could go on for several more pages, but I think that if you can find a really good therapist, I've given them enough in this letter to get started. So to recap, you are self-delusional, replacing facts with what you want to be true. You are paranoid, primarily of hackers (so don't go to sites that attract hackers) but also of anyone knowing you were in prison. Finally, you believe that your surface manners hide how thoughtless, selfish, and inconsiderate you are, when they apparently only hide those facts from you.
I hope that somehow you manage to get the help you really need. I hope you eventually begin to learn that hiding fact with your own beliefs does not change the way the real world works. I really hope you do not expect the judge to believe this “they weren't my drugs; I didn't know he had them” story because it is exactly the story from last time. I hope you eventually realize that your life style is your choice, and it is not other people, but your choices that are leading you into these situations. I can't believe your lawyer really thinks they will just drop a possession charge on a person currently on parole after possession charges, repeatedly. You might make sure you aren't trying to replace what your lawyer is saying with some imaginary truth you have created to make yourself feel better about your situation.
And finally, I should never know when or if you make these changes, because you will do them without me. I have poured enough into this insanity, and have no intent or interest in watching any more.